


Well, That Backfired (A Tale of Woe)

by etched_radius (suiqune)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-05-12 03:24:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5650792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suiqune/pseuds/etched_radius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Destiny knocks. So does Opportunity. Temptation leans on the doorbell.</p><p>Karma employs, with great precision, a wrecking ball.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Well, That Backfired (A Tale of Woe)

“I am truly sorry, Kakashi,” the Sandiame of Konohagakure, Sarutobi Hiruzen, said softly to the elite jounin hovering in front of his desk. Most ninja stood, or paced, or even slouched – but not the elite jounin. Hovering was the most polite word for how he inhabited his space – a less charitable man would probably use the word lurk or skulk. Every ninja that survived to make jounin had several loud personality quirks – this was known throughout even the civilian population of the village. What they didn’t seem to realize, however, was all jounin shared several quirks as well, things that weren’t really noticeable as such because they all did it.

The inability to use doors was one, which caused the Builder’s Guild fits whenever they came up with fiscal projections, because they kept having to spend money of materials that would never see use. A few of the more enterprising members of the guild had taken to ‘forgetting’ to add doors to their buildings, along with hallways and stairs. Several of the other guilds had fits whenever it happened, but Sarutobi pretended to be senile whenever it was mentioned. It saved time, money, and grief to just turn a blind eye, especially since the ninja population was frankly thrilled with the turn of events and beat each other bloody for the apartments available for rent.

Hovering was another – career ninja tended to lurk in shadows, visible mostly out of the corner of the eye and even then only because of long practice. Even when they were standing in a brightly lit area they gave the impression of being, well, not there.

Hatake Kakashi had an even worse case of hovering than he normally did, practically vibrating with the slight movements he was making in and out of the shadows cast by the moonlight.

“Hokage-sama –” Kakashi started, but Sarutobi lifted up a hand to silence him.

“How many genin teams have I given you so far, Kakashi?”

“…fourteen, sir.”

“And how many have you passed?”

“You’re going somewhere with this, aren’t you.”

“For the past, seven years is it now? I have given you a team from the graduating class of the academy. You have not passed a single one. In fact, I would venture to say that you didn’t even give them a chance to pass.”

“Am I really needed for this conversation?”

Hiruzen gave him a look.

“I gave them all the same test, Hokage-sama,” Kakashi said stiffly, “the same test I was subject to.”

“Yes, as I recall it is the same test I gave my genin back when I was a jounin-sensei. The same test that they passed to your sensei, which in turn was passed to you. I think I would be one of the six people still alive who could give an accurate judgment on the test, don’t you?”

“Yes, Hokage-sama,” Kakashi said, voice filled with wounded indignation.

“As I was saying – I doubt you even gave them a chance to pass. And now, you come to me, requesting a genin team – one that will be your fifteenth attempt as a jounin-sensei. A team that, I have the report here somewhere, give me a moment – ah, yes, here it is. A team that is described as ‘a disaster waiting to happen along the lines of “Hey, didn’t there used to be a village here, what happened to it and why is there a giant crater in the ground?” ’. And you think I should give it to you?”

“…Ibiki had Anko write that report, didn’t he?”

“Beside the point, Kakashi.”

“I promised sensei.”

“You promised him you would be his child’s jounin-sensei? I find that hard to believe, considering I sat in on the negotiations Kushina had with Orochimaru to get him to agree to take young Naruto when he finally made genin. Yes, I realize that Orochimaru has defected but at the time that was the plan. So what exactly did you promise him, Kakashi?”

“You know what I promised him, Hokage-sama.”

“Yes I do. Which is why I remain unimpressed. You may not take this session’s Team Seven, Kakashi. My decision is final.”

There were several long moments of silence before Kakashi decided that retreat was the better part of valor (or at least, that retreat would enable him to keep taking missions outside the village, because Sandiame’s response to insubordination was to play at a doddering old man who had apparently lost all ability to judge how important missions were. It worked very well.)

“I thought we retired that number in relation to genin teams,” Danzo commented thoughtfully as he limped from the shadows after Kakashi had left. Hiruzen snorted.

“We did, officially. I just wanted to get my point across.”

“So what are we calling them now, anyway? I don’t remember there ever being a report deciding the new designation.”

“We name them as we go – I believe that Anko-chan is lobbying for this session’s cell to be called ‘Team Time Bomb’, which Ibiki seconded. Last time it was ‘Team Subfusc’ and the time before that it was ‘Team Emu’, don’t ask me about that last one, I never got a satisfactory explanation.”

Danzo raised an eyebrow. “And you’re giving it to –”

“Yes.”

“I thought he’d retired.”

“He’s retired in the same sense that you are retired.”

“Ah. Not very, then?”

“I don’t think clan heads retire at all, to be honest. Mostly they just die. Have you ever heard of any actually retiring?”

“There was that one time, in Suna.”

“No, that was someone using his body as a puppet. Then they both disappeared.”

“Then no, can’t say I have. You certainly never managed it, and if anyone could, it would be you.”

“Exactly. And thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Getting back on topic: Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“He owes Minato-kun and Kushina-chan. He’ll be good for the three of them.”

* * *

The missive from the Hokage came as a surprise. It was delivered by a black masked ANBU, a sign that both the Left and Right hands of the village were in agreement about whatever the innocent looking scroll contained, an occurrence which would surprise some with it’s frequency.

“Congratulations on your assignment of Jounin-Sensei.” it started. In the next moment, his hand tightened reflexively and the delicate china of his teacup turned into shards.

“Natsu-chan,” Hiashi called out through the open door, holding the scroll out of the way of the tea and blood pooling on the table amid the remains of his mother’s favorite tea set, “Could you fetch me some new tea? And some bandages.”

“Immediately, Hiashi-sama,” the female branch member agreed, hurrying from the room and returning a few minutes later.

Hiashi had sacrificed his outer kimono to mop up the majority of the mess, and briefly activated his bloodline to ensure he got all the shards out of his hand. The scroll was tucked into his obi. It had not gotten any better after the first line.

Natsu gracefully knelt before him after setting the new tea service down (his late wife’s least favorite, the one his father had given them on the day of their wedding, thoughtful of her) and tucked her short green hair behind her ears before activating her own eyes to check his hand over. He gave her an unimpressed look for the presumption, but she just sniffed and coated her hands in medical chakra to heal the cuts before bandaging it tightly.

“That will be all, for now, Natsu. And I will be leaving after I finish my tea. Serve dinner without me.”

She sniffed at him again but rose and took his ruined kimono and the remains of the tea set when she left.

Hiashi settled down to finish his tea. He had the feeling that it would be his last bit of peace for a long time.

* * *

Somewhere in the village, three newly minted genin sneezed simultaneously. The phenomena was accompanied by a feeling of overwhelming dread.

* * *

Elsewhere, a chunin-sensei was overcome with the feeling that karma and justice were aligning.

He shook it off.

“No need to get my hopes up,” he muttered to himself, and went back to grading papers. The Hokage’s grandson was starting in the next session. It was sure to be almost as bad as teaching Naruto.

* * *

Kakashi was also meant to be overcome by a feeling, but as chance would have it, he was too drunk and just as it would have hit, he passed out over the bar. His dogs were forced to drag him home, where they exacted revenge by eating everything in his kitchen, including the cutlery, table, and chairs.

So instead of hitting Kakashi, the feeling that was meant for him (regret with a dovetail into a new lease on life) hit a cat.

Tora, who had been in the process of breaking into a fishmonger’s shop, suddenly raised all the fur on his body, yowled angrily for five solid minutes, then went home to the Fire Daimyo’s wife, who had not yet realized he was missing and welcomed him back happily.

He never ran away again, much to the delight and joyful tears of genin everywhere.

* * *

In his office, the Hokage paused.

“Well,” he said thoughtfully to the empty room. “Change is in the air tonight.”


End file.
